Oct. 16th, 2008

changehistory: (Peter -- Here we go again)
Looks like the rain's pouring down on me
It's drowning me now
And all I want is to come back home
And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry
But I can't think of what else to try
That's why the best thing I can give to you
Is for me to go
Leave you alone
You got growing up to do


Sometimes he wondered if he should go. Not out of a lack of feeling, not by a long shot, but...was he helping? Did anything he say, do, feel, get through? Was he banging on glass, desperate, still caged in a world where nothing made sense to the boy on the other side? Sometimes he thought he'd managed, and then the same arguments came flying back at him, the words even the same, nothing changing or showing that he had grasped Adam's point at all.

It was a sideways way of thinking. Adam knew that, understood it, but it came from age, from experience, and watching the boy rip himself to pieces with guilt and angst hurt when if he would just listen. But it was ever the province of the young to think they knew better than those who have come before, especially when they disagree with them. Adam's frustration didn't help, he knew. And he knew that it was something that time would alter. Oh, the boy might not ever become him, but eventually he would grow up or he would be destroyed.

Adam was hoping very hard for the former rather than the latter, but to get him there, Adam had to wonder -- was he standing in the way? Was his experience, his point of view, clouding the boy's judgment and ability to grow? Was he pushing too hard, saying too much, destroying their chance at having anything by his own need to save him from himself? If he went away for a year, two, a decade, two, a century...would it change? Would he change until they found themselves more in line with one another, truly partners instead of this twisted mentorship where the mentee had no desire to learn?

Adam didn't know. But the thought plagued him sometimes.

Maybe he should go. Not forever, but for a while. Come back later, when the boy had grown up. It might be best for everyone, that way. Put distance between other things as well. But every time he tried to leave, his feet wouldn't move, and Adam found himself waiting, suspended, holding his breath and hoping more than he thought he had left to hope that it would be enough.
changehistory: (A man in the shadows)
...and the sting of it was nearly unbearable. Whatever I had expected, her defection, her revulsion, had not been it. My own horror was still riding me hard, the revelation in the looking glass for once too clear to be denied. Helene and I had been wed twenty years. She was my chance to step away from all that had happened in Japan, to recreate myself, start a new life, and those twenty years had been happy ones.

The truth, however, could not be denied, no matter how I stared or how I tried. My gift kept me from being harmed by any blade, by fire, by serpent...and by time. Twenty years a husband, and I had not changed. She could not deny it any longer and neither could I.

Her screams were to be a lesson, and it was one I learned well. What I was, what I had become, was a thing outside of time and space. There would be no normal life for me. I would not grow old with those I loved. I would move through time and space, unchanging and unchanged. She called me demon. She was not the first to do so, nor was she the last. Like my father before her, she could not see the other side of the coin--that what I was came from God above, written into my body like every breath that I took, every beat of my heart.

I was what I was meant to be, but others would not understand. They would not reach out, embrace me in the fullness of what I was. Some parts of me would always have to remain hidden, set aside. Helene taught me that, and I learned it well. It is not a lesson I have ever forgotten...

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Adam Monroe

November 2020

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