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[TM] 259 - I don't understand
Dec. 5th, 2008 08:50 am[ooc: Based upon RP in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
paradisa and not meant to reflect upon any other muses]
"I don't understand."
What a trifling three words to sum up a feeling so profoundly unsettling. It starts as fury, of course, every time. Fury and "How dare he/she/they?" and moral outrage, because fury is easy. Fury feels good. It's fire and heat and it blazes up through you and it feels good, lighting you up from the inside. You've been wronged, you've been hurt, you've been betrayed, and by those you trusted most, trusted with the inside parts of yourself you don't just show to anyone, the deep and dark shadows dragged into the light for their perusal. You trusted, when everything inside of you said not to, because you know not to do so, you know that way only ends badly, but you do so anyway, because some small part of you hopes this time will be different.
It's not.
You feel the fool, feel your heart ripped out from inside of you as you realize everything you trusted them with meant nothing, and that the person you tried to show your innermost heart to must not have known you at all to find the one way to wound you most deeply. You start seeing monsters in shadows again. It isn't the act itself so much as the betrayal of what you trusted them with and the act of the betrayal when they know, they know how hard it is for you to trust, and to trust them, with their blood, his blood, running thick with the sins of the betrayals of the generations of the past. He knows. He has to know, how hard it was to trust anyone after the life you have lived, and how hard it was to trust him, especially, with any part of yourself at all, after the things his parents did to you, but you did. You made promises you've never made, that choke on your lips now.
No more lies. No more secrets. No more. Just trust. Just truth.
( You should have remembered who his parents were. )
paradisa and not meant to reflect upon any other muses]"I don't understand."
What a trifling three words to sum up a feeling so profoundly unsettling. It starts as fury, of course, every time. Fury and "How dare he/she/they?" and moral outrage, because fury is easy. Fury feels good. It's fire and heat and it blazes up through you and it feels good, lighting you up from the inside. You've been wronged, you've been hurt, you've been betrayed, and by those you trusted most, trusted with the inside parts of yourself you don't just show to anyone, the deep and dark shadows dragged into the light for their perusal. You trusted, when everything inside of you said not to, because you know not to do so, you know that way only ends badly, but you do so anyway, because some small part of you hopes this time will be different.
It's not.
You feel the fool, feel your heart ripped out from inside of you as you realize everything you trusted them with meant nothing, and that the person you tried to show your innermost heart to must not have known you at all to find the one way to wound you most deeply. You start seeing monsters in shadows again. It isn't the act itself so much as the betrayal of what you trusted them with and the act of the betrayal when they know, they know how hard it is for you to trust, and to trust them, with their blood, his blood, running thick with the sins of the betrayals of the generations of the past. He knows. He has to know, how hard it was to trust anyone after the life you have lived, and how hard it was to trust him, especially, with any part of yourself at all, after the things his parents did to you, but you did. You made promises you've never made, that choke on your lips now.
No more lies. No more secrets. No more. Just trust. Just truth.
( You should have remembered who his parents were. )
