[TM] #221: Justice

Never pray for justice, because you might get some. — Margaret Atwood

The box seems smaller every time he revives, tightening around him. Each period of consciousness lasts less time, but seems to stretch into eternity until he isn't sure if he was out at all, or just in a never ending shrinking space. He thought the cell closed in on him, cordoning off his world and encasing him in a concrete tomb from which he'd never escape, but he realizes now it was a palace, luxurious even with the constant anticipation of pain. He had books, he had a bed, he did not have things crawling slowly over his skin taking bites that healed just so things could eat him again.

It cannot have come to this. His world cannot have become this. He had plans, beautiful grandiose plans to stretch out across the centuries of a world reborn. Now those dreams are dust like what filters in from the cracks he has broken in the wood, settling over lips and skin. He wants to scream, it presses up in him, crying out at the injustice, but the sound dies before it breaks free as the wicked voice of the boy who would be his conscience whispers that he got what he deserved, and then all he can do is pray for the darkness to come again.

[WM] 28.3 - "Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind" by the Lovin' Spoonfuls

Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Pick up on one and leave the other one behind
It's not often easy, and not often kind
Did you ever have to make up your mind?

Did you ever have to finally decide?
Say yes to one and let the other one ride
There's so many changes, and tears you must hide
Did you ever have to finally decide?

She'd thrown him out. Adam supposed that he should have expected it, really. Whatever his view of the situation, and despite how they both insisted he didn't understand, he did. His view of the world, of relationships, of love itself was so different from anything they could comprehend. He had to remind himself of that. He couldn't understand why Peter didn't understand his hurt, though. He'd been hurt when Caitlin left. Was Adam supposed to be less hurt at the thought of losing Angela? Peter was no more happy about Angela than Adam had been about Caitlin. The parallels seemed so clear to him, and he had at least tried to understand, hadn't he? Had he let him down with that, with his own insecurities, his own fears?

He'd loved before. He'd lived so many lives. He's promised "'til death do us part" on ten separate occasions...and death had parted them. Of all the things he'd never done, the one thing he'd never known was what forever felt like. He wanted to know. Did that make him a bad person, above and beyond everything he'd done? Was that what tipped the scales? It was selfish, but after thirty years in that place, didn't he have the right to be a little selfish?

Except he had a son, now. And his son...possibly had little to no use for him. Because of Peter. That hurt, cutting deep, because he didn't know if it would make a difference. If he chose Angela, did as she wished and walked away from Peter, would Nathan want a relationship with him, then? Or would he hate him for hurting his brother? Would Angela ever forgive him, even if he did choose her, or would he pay until she died?

And when she died...would Peter ever forgive him for having chosen her? Would he be throwing away his entire future happiness with one choice? Eternity with someone who challenged him to be better than he was, who inspired him the way Hiro had back then, who made him believe that maybe, just maybe, he could be a hero, could be someone to make...

( Someone to make Nathan proud.  )