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changehistoryPick up on one and leave the other one behind
It's not often easy, and not often kind
Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Did you ever have to finally decide?
Say yes to one and let the other one ride
There's so many changes, and tears you must hide
Did you ever have to finally decide?
She'd thrown him out. Adam supposed that he should have expected it, really. Whatever his view of the situation, and despite how they both insisted he didn't understand, he did. His view of the world, of relationships, of love itself was so different from anything they could comprehend. He had to remind himself of that. He couldn't understand why Peter didn't understand his hurt, though. He'd been hurt when Caitlin left. Was Adam supposed to be less hurt at the thought of losing Angela? Peter was no more happy about Angela than Adam had been about Caitlin. The parallels seemed so clear to him, and he had at least tried to understand, hadn't he? Had he let him down with that, with his own insecurities, his own fears?
He'd loved before. He'd lived so many lives. He's promised "'til death do us part" on ten separate occasions...and death had parted them. Of all the things he'd never done, the one thing he'd never known was what forever felt like. He wanted to know. Did that make him a bad person, above and beyond everything he'd done? Was that what tipped the scales? It was selfish, but after thirty years in that place, didn't he have the right to be a little selfish?
Except he had a son, now. And his son...possibly had little to no use for him. Because of Peter. That hurt, cutting deep, because he didn't know if it would make a difference. If he chose Angela, did as she wished and walked away from Peter, would Nathan want a relationship with him, then? Or would he hate him for hurting his brother? Would Angela ever forgive him, even if he did choose her, or would he pay until she died?
And when she died...would Peter ever forgive him for having chosen her? Would he be throwing away his entire future happiness with one choice? Eternity with someone who challenged him to be better than he was, who inspired him the way Hiro had back then, who made him believe that maybe, just maybe, he could be a hero, could be someone to make...
Someone to make Nathan proud.
He knew Angela better than she even knew herself, and he knew himself with her. He spoke of killing Bob, of bringing her his head, and she approved with glee. She put limits like, "no more than 1000 killed" without prior approval. She brought out his darker impulses, fed them with hers, looking around and seeing a world that could be theirs for the taking. She loved him for who he was, without expectation of change.
And that man was one Peter and Nathan would give anything to stop.
It wasn't just a choice of lover they put before him. It was a choice of the man he would be, not just now, but for years, possibly centuries to come. If he lost Peter, lost that guiding light now, while he was struggling to find a different way, he would fall back to the man who had molded Angela, formed the Company, started Victoria researching the virus. He could try, for Nathan, to be a different man, try to hold on to the idea of later, of forever with Peter...but that man would not be one Angela would want.
And, gods, was it fair to stay by her side alone, as if biding his time, waiting for her death, longing for Peter? Because he would long, or he would cut him out to stop the pain, stop the unfair longing that was emotionally unfaithful even if he was physically by her side. She said the emotion she could understand, but not the act of loving him--but would she? Would she sense it in each glance if ever they were in the same room? Would she hear it in his dreams? Would he grow to hate her, would it poison his relationship with Nathan...or would it save it?
If it cost him forever, would it be worth it to have this time with his son? Or would he spend forever knowing his son hated him because of the man he became at Angela's side, knowing his actions won him Peter's enmity, and instead of even a friend forever, he had an adversary?
He loved her. He had loved her for decades, through treachery and loss and a both of their broken hearts. She was the mother of his child.
He loved him. He hadn't wanted to, had fought it, fought being sucked into a world where he would be called to be a hero, again, truly. But he had, anyway, fighting now against the darker side of his nature, pushing it down as he struggled to be the man Peter needed him to be.
He loved his son. Had loved him from the first moment he held him in his arms, through laughter and through tears, even when Nathan had no idea. He wanted a relationship with him, before it truly was too late.
He couldn't have everything he wanted. The world didn't work that way. It never had.
He had to choose, and any choice he made was going to leave someone shattered and pieces of himself broken off, either suppressed or lost, and he wondered if the fall out was something any of them could survive intact.
