changehistory: ([Angela] [Peter] Hallelujah)
This is potentially the most ridiculous question ever asked. My partner's family...god. My partner's family, you see, turns out to be my family. Or, no, not turns out to be, because...I knew it was a possibility when I started falling in love with him. I knew there was a chance...

And, no, before anyone asks, he and I are not related. There's no blood or DNA we share.

But the situation is...complicated, and it always will be complicated, and I cannot change that. I cannot change what I am, that I am a man who does not age, who moves through time without having it touch me, that I have loved before, and that I loved...that once upon a time I loved his mother. That maybe there is a substantial part of me that still does. I'm not someone who stops loving when I have fallen. We had a child, she and I--his half brother. We have grandchildren--his nieces and nephews. The secrets are out, now, and everyone knows. He has to live with the fact that he's dating his mother's ex, and his brother's father, and "complicated" is actually a very mild word.

Add in the fact that his mother and I haven't exactly had the most...stellar of records for honesty in the past, and that there are more wounds there, and some days I have no idea what the fucking hell he's doing with me. Shall we review, in brief, how I get along with his family? See if it counts as "good terms"?

His mother: We were lovers for near on 14 years. I count her, still, as one of the loves of my life. We plotted to destroy the world together, for purposes we still believe were good ones, though we may have come to disagree on the level of destruction necessary to achieve our purposes. I may have tried to kill her with my pet telepath. She may have told our son how to kill me and that he should do so. I still love her. I'm fairly certain part of her still loves me. I chose him. She accepts that fact. We're speaking. We all got along well for the holidays. On the other hand, I bought her a necklace that cost more than a small house, so I say that might have been a bit over the top, but...all right, all in all, on good terms?

His elder brother: Hated me for ages for using Peter. Threw a few punches. Exchanged more than a few insults. Found out I was his father. Wasn't overly pleased at that at first. Seems to be coming around to the idea, though, and wanting to spend time with me, and lets me see his children and be in their lives, so...I think we're getting there?

His twin: My BFF. Probably feels as uncomfortable as a new member of the family structure as I do, as we were both cast out of it for decades, but, we're coming to terms with it, and though he was royally pissed at me lately for certain...actions I took that weren't all that advisable, we seem to have made up.

His niece: My granddaughter. My protege. She's never really had a problem with me, despite everyone trying to turn her against me for a while. She was the first to realize what we were to each other, to accept me as part of the family, and we've been close for a while, bonded by our mutual ability, one no one else fully grasps, even the others who have acquired them. There's something to it, when it's just yours, when it is what you were born with, and it bonds us.

His nephews: Monty seems to adore me. Ninja swords and pirate stories work well for that. Simon, I'm less certain of, but I don't think he dislikes me...

His nephew-in-law and one of his best friends: Oh dear god, don't get me started. My first love who married my granddaughter; who betrayed me for another; who built me up into believing I was something special to him, then took it away; who buried me alive and left me there to go mad...Honestly, I have no idea what terms we are on from day to day. I have...forgiven as best I am able, and I believe he has, as well, and sometimes I see the glimmer of the friends we once were, but then he married Claire, and now...I do not know again. I can't think about it.

So. It's complicated, but honestly, it isn't so much his family I worry nearly as much about as it is him. How he will take my entanglement in his family's life, the more he thinks about it. If he ever realizes how much his mother meant, and still means, to me. I gave her up, I chose him, and I've no regret there. She and I hurt each other too deeply to ever go back to what we were, before, but what we were...I don't think he knows, and I worry if he ever understands, ever grasps it, ever fully understands it. He's taken so much from me, put up with so much, forgiven so much...

Sometimes I wonder when enough will be enough, and what will be the final straw.
changehistory: (Nothing ever changes)
It is what people do, he thinks. People abandon you, either through treachery or through death, and even death he has started to look on as some sort of treachery, if only of his own blood to be able to keep them alive.

They run off with your princess, after swearing to be your friend.

They run off with your friend, after swearing to be your princess.

They run off into the woods screaming because of what you are.

They kill themselves with stupid cosmetic use.

They kill themselves with drink after seeing what you are.

They shoot you and have their lover push you off of a cliff.

They marry someone else.

They lock you in a cage and torture you for thirty years.

They decide they'd rather trust their brother than you, and what you know, have seen.

They bury you alive.

It's what people do, always. No one stays. Nothing lasts. And to hope for something better is the height of foolishness. Bed them. Love them. Give yourself to them.

But never think they'll actually stay. That way leads to madness, grief, and the need to destroy things dear to you. Believing that, trusting that, letting himself feel safe in someone's love is a mistake he never intends to make again.
changehistory: (Peter - Not broken)
Discuss some aspect of your relationship that you feel has had a negative effect on you

He expects me to behave. To be "good." To be the hero. It's an expectation that has haunted me since the first time I fell in love, to be honest, and, well. It goes against my nature. I feel constrained by it, and as if I am unable to fully self-actualize. That's the phrase for it, in your lingo, is it not? "Self-actualization" - It was Goldstein who said that self-actualization is a driving life force that will ultimately lead to maximizing one's abilities and determine the path of one's life, wasn't it? Though I've always resonated with Maslow's definition: "the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."

What I see myself as, who I see myself as, who I know that I could be, who I was...all of that I put on hold for him, because my vision for myself and his for me--though we might describe them in the same words--are so vastly different. It gets pushed off, that I have this or that misconception, that my ideas are good, but my methods to achieve them are wrong. That I am not like the villains of the piece because my motivations were for the good...

Who the hell knew you could become trapped by your own spin? I certainly didn't, but here I am, and there is part of me that...wants to be known clearly. Known for who--and what--I am. Accepted for that, loved for that, not for some carefully constructed spin story I've put together to keep myself free and to get what I want.

Oh, it's gotten me what I want. It's gotten me him, and for him I will keep playing the game by the rules he has set up. I know what life is like if I do not. I know what it is to be alone, to be reviled, to never truly be a part of something. I got over it. I would be fine. But now there is a chance to be something more, to have something more than I have ever had an opportunity for...and so, I smile. I behave. I suppress. I play the misunderstood anti-hero instead of the villain.

And I wonder how long until my need to be myself, not this creation I have crafted, snaps through and sends everything I have built to the dust, and just what we both will do then.

Patient Name: Adam Monroe
Patient Fandom: Heroes
Words: 450
Partner: Peter Petrelli - RP developed - various and sundry timelines/Peters to include: [livejournal.com profile] youngerpetrelli, [livejournal.com profile] its_myturn and [livejournal.com profile] yearsguilt
changehistory: (Hiro -- Betrayal)
It started out so very innocent. We were both young, both longing for adventure, and together we found it. Something new--a chance for him to live out the stories he heard as a child, and for me to find some meaning in my life again after I had lost everything. It was friendship, it was camaraderie, it was something I had never expected to experience, to feel, again.

But then it changed, and it got dark, and he betrayed me, and I betrayed him, and I made a vow, a promise. I swore that as long as I lived, I would lay waste to everything he held dear. That he would suffer.

It was...I cannot say, truly, if it could have been mended, then, or not, but whatever might have come--he left. He left and the stories grew of Kensei and his princess, lies woven with truth to make a tale far prettier than the real one. And I went on, and I let the betrayal and the hatred and the anger become so much a part of me I sometimes wonder if they can be undone, even with the vast expanse of time stretching out before me.

I killed his father. He buried me alive. We're bound together, destinies entwining, and even when he is dead and gone, I doubt that I will be free of it.
changehistory: (leaning against car)
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
- "Broken" by Lifehouse

The world seems to have slowed again, though it isn't a prison he's pacing, but a home, one he's making, one he's building, one he's happy to have found. But time crawls. He wanders the town, plays with the cat, ducks in and out of art galleries, and spends far too much time thinking. Time and thoughts have plagued him for too long, leading to darker places, and even now, even here, he can feel himself tumbling into that pattern too simply. The news upsets him, fury lacing through him at the waste of so much of it. Promises that it will get better only help so much when he has nothing but time still stretching out before him. It isn't alone, it isn't a desolate landscape of time that will never end while he watches those he loves fade away into dust.

He won't fade. He won't die. He'll be there, unless he gets tired of Adam's moods, Adam's passions, Adam's schemes, Adam's itching fingers reaching out to reshape something, anything, to mold, to meld, to form, to fire and glaze...

He has coffee by the water, a glass of wine in a cafe. He relearns the world, and what he learns sickens him more than what there was before. It's only gotten worse, as he said it would, and no one listened then, and "it will get better" doesn't help the fury in his head. He is nothing here, no one, and, yes, that feeds into it as well. Even locked away in the Company's cells he was someone. He was dangerous. He needed watching. He was a mystery to be solved. He was an apocalypse to be stopped. He was feared, because they knew what he was capable of, that their lives, once so precious to him, now meant less than nothing because of their betrayal.

They should still fear, but here he sits, sipping coffee in Cardiff and wondering if he should buy the cat a new toy, or if Jack will be home for dinner. The latent fury that lingers under the veneer of domestic contentment has nowhere to go, but he can feel it there, feeding on despair and darker schemes, and his eyes take on a more intent gaze as he scans the paper and contemplates what it would take to make the disconnect heal and the aching stop. He needs something, but he doesn't know what, and until he finds it he cannot help but still feel caged.
changehistory: (Peter -- Here we go again)
[OOC Note: AU 'verse, inspired by this fanvid that made me go "oooooh". Peter referred to is [livejournal.com profile] thatsortofpower]

Pretty, very pretty, but really quite mad. Right out of Bedlam, for sure, I thought, though how he'd ended up in Japan I couldn't fathom. Surely no ship would take him on, talking the way he was, about the future? His clothes were strange, true, and his speech, though it was a relief after so long to find someone who spoke English, even with his strange accent. The place he spoke of being from, I'd never heard of, even. "New York." It was New Amsterdam, then, you see, and part of the Dutch colonies, not the British. He at least adjusted to that to clear up the confusion of locality, but then his complete lack of knowledge of the Dutch language, of which I'd picked up a bit on the ship, was just as baffling, though he seemed to think it ought to lend credence to his story.

But how do you accept that someone has come from the future to fix the past -- to fix you -- especially when you're not aware that anything is truly broken? Which, looking back, I suppose I knew on some level, but I was a child, then, not even thirty, and hardly given to the introspection and self-examination I am now.

He wasn't mad, of course. Not in the least bit, though I have to say he does have a tendency towards maudlin brooding that I've never quite broken him of, but that isn't madness, nor is it relevant for the discussion. But then? That day? I thought it a pity that someone quite so pretty had to be insane. Of course, I couldn't leave him to wander the countryside all alone in that state. He didn't speak the language; he had no idea of the customs; he stood out like a sore thumb, both by virtue of being a gaijin and his clothes and attitude. So, I took him with me out of some sort of...fine. Out of pure selfishness, really. He was pretty, he spoke English, I was lonely, and he seemed terribly fond of me for some reason I didn't understand then. His story proved to be far more true than I could fathom, then, but that is neither here nor there when asking about first impressions. It's a story for another topic, an issue to delve into at another time. Perhaps.
changehistory: (Intense)
It's one of those traits I have learned someone either hates or loves. Some people need it, need that proof that you need them, that you fear losing them. It makes them feel valued, loved, important. Others feel trapped by it, not trusted, like an object. Some will beg to be marked, just to show the world they are yours. Others will find such an idea an anathema. I try and gauge how much I let it show, depending on the person, depending on their reactions, but I cannot fight the urge.

I've lost too many, I suppose. To betrayal. To age. To death. It makes the urge to hold on sometimes overwhelming. There is fear, when I love, always, because, truly, love has not worked out so well for me through the centuries. I am not a clingy sort of person, so it comes out in other ways. Demands, sometimes unreasonable. Withholding parts of myself if I feel I do not have all of my partner. I know I am inordinately possessive. I know I do not tolerate sharing well. I know there is a double standard in that, as I have asked lovers to share me at times. I know that this is a problem in many of my relationships.

But at least I can acknowledge it's a problem? If I were perfect, after all, there wouldn't be a need for therapy, and this is likely one of my biggest issues to work through.
changehistory: (Elle -- Believe)
Patient: Adam Monroe
Fandom: Heroes
Words: 306
Partner: Elle Bishop Monroe - [livejournal.com profile] not_myfirstday


We both made a lot of them, back when neither of us had the means to follow through. It was easy, there in the dark, to promise the world, forever, all of me. It made her smile, made her light up, and when she lights up like that, she shines. Curled up in the dark, the cameras off, we were able to steal time to spin dreams the way two captives do. Oh, I had plans, but whether I would be able to achieve them in her life time, I didn't know. I'd been in there so long, held away from the world. I knew I'd get out, eventually. A chance would present itself, a road, a path. I promised that when it did, I would take her with me, but part of me wondered if she would be with me still, then, or if time would have taken her.

Then fate dropped Peter into the cell next to mine.

Honestly, it was like Christmas. Or, more, all those Christmases I missed, when the only gift was some horrid book from Bob that no one else would take off his hands. When she told me about the things he could do, it was as if God himself had reached down and given me everything I'd ever wanted, rewarding me for my patience and handing me the means to a higher mission. And with that mission, with that freedom, I was given a chance to live up to the promises I'd murmured in the dark, never knowing if I'd be called upon to keep them.

There was a choice to be made, to follow through or to let her fall. But one thing I have always been is a man of my word. I promised her, and I kept my promises. The world, forever, all of me.

I don't regret it.
changehistory: (Brooding)
Patient: Adam Monroe
Fandom: Heroes
Words: 960
Partner: Peter Petrelli ([livejournal.com profile] heroicpotential)


If we break up, it will probably be because...

Either I screwed it up again in any number of ways and he finally lost patience, or because Nathan asked him to end it.

I've done a lot to hurt him. I used him to further my own agenda. I kept my past relationship with his mother a secret, though I did tell him when it resumed. I didn't tell him it was a possibility I was his brother's biological father. I tried to destroy the world. I went after Bob without bringing him along. He thinks I don't get it, don't see how my actions have hurt him, the wounds I've inflicted, but I do. I know all too well what I've become through the years. I'm the one who lives with the chill of it inside of me every day. The isolation, of always being outside, always being the one who has to survive not just those I love, but the world itself, who always keeps going...it's taken its toll. I know I see the world in a way most would say is very fucked up. I know I tend to keep up walls to keep anyone from getting too close. I know I keep my own counsel. I'm not used to confiding in people. It's never done me any good, and has, in fact, caused a great deal of harm in the past. I learned not to trust, not to open more of myself than necessary, how to give little while seeming to give everything.

I know too well what I am. And although I would like to change, even though I am trying to change, for both him and for Nathan, I don't know if I will be successful. I don't know when something might set me off and I'll fall back to what seems to be my natural instincts now. I hope never, but I'm too much of a cynic, I suppose. But I try. I believe in him, in his power to change the world, and if he can do that, if he can truly save the world, there's a chance he can even save me. But I know change doesn't come fast. There's centuries of damage to heal, and I worry he'll lose patience, or that he'll see setbacks as me not caring, not trying. That he'll get tired of waiting, that I will fuck up again, hurt him again, and he'll be gone.

And under all of that is the sure knowledge that even if I am absolutely perfect, everything he dreams I could be, the perfect lover, the hero, the considerate one who puts him first, and shares everything he needs me to share, and opens up and really lets him in...it could all end on one word. )
changehistory: (Brooding)
I don't define it any one way in particular. I have been, and am capable of being, completely and utterly monogamous, and I have been involved in various forms of polyamory.

No, I take that back. I define being faithful as being honest about the terms of the relationship. As keeping faith with the promises you have made to your partners, whatever they may be.

If I am involved with more than one person, I tell my partners. I may not tell them every detail, may not tell them about the other person, because the other person rarely truly impacts us, but I will tell them there is someone else.

If someone asks me to be monogamous, and promises it in return, then if I promise they are the only one--they are the only one. I have never "cheated" on a partner, never committed that sort of a betrayal. I have made mistakes, yes. I'm not claiming to be perfect in relationships or anywhere else. In fact, in a lot of aspects, I fully admit that I am very bad at being someone's partner.

But when it comes to faithfulness...I have a deep desire to find out how we define it between us, myself and my partner(s), and keep to it. If it is emotional faithfulness--that we both may have other lovers, but no one that we truly love, all right. If it is a traditional definition of faithfulness, that there is no one else, emotionally or physically, for us, then all right. If we agree to be poly, that we love each other but acknowledge that we each love others as well, so be it.

That's not to say that I am always fine with any of those three options, or any other variation, all the time, or that it's whatever my partner wants. Sometimes I want more than the person I am involved with. There have been times in my life when I have been involved in relationships that fit each of the models. There have been times when I was the one asked for a commitment, and other times when I have asked for it, when I have wanted it to be just the two of us.

Ideally...that is where I am happiest. Male or female, but just two, no one else in the way, physically or emotionally. Call me a traditionalist.

But if all parties agree and are informed, I do not think that other forms of relationships mean someone is unfaithful. Faithfulness is keeping faith--keeping the promises one has made to someone else. And the only way to truly define it beyond that is between the people involved with each other. To do more would be to impose outside strictures on an intimate relationship, and I don't think anyone has the right to do that.
changehistory: (Peter - fear me love me do as I say)
Patient: Adam Monroe
Patient's Fandom: Heroes
Word Count: 460
Partner: Peter Petrelli [[livejournal.com profile] its_myturn, Eden 'verse]


Adam sits, staring at the therapist through unreadable eyes. He shouldn't be here. Doesn't need to be here. Has a world to run, after all, and all sorts of busy things that go along with this. Sitting across from someone who doesn't really know him talking about a relationship that doesn't even...isn't even...He glares.

"Why don't we talk about Peter?" Her smile is just a bit too encouraging.

He's not allowed to randomly shoot people, even though he wants to.

"There's nothing to talk about," Adam says, forcing a smile in return. "Peter and I are just friends."

"Mmhmm..." She glances down at her notes, and he grinds his teeth behind his smile. "Some of what you've said indicates you might want it to be more."

Adam counts to ten. Then twenty. "It doesn't matter what I might want. It isn't going to happen," he finally says, quietly.

"Why not?"

Why not? Is she insane? The look he gives her implies that she must be. "Because it...I could never...you do realize it would be built on lies. I could never tell him the truth."

"Don't you basically do that with most people?" she asks, and he contemplates shooting her again.

"They're mortal," he grinds out. "Peter...at that level of intimacy...I wouldn't be able to keep him out of my head, forever. I would drop my guard sometime, someway, think that we were...he'd read my mind, eventually. Maybe not this year, this decade, this century, but eventually he would find out the truth."

"Why can't you just tell him?"

She gets another look that questions her sanity. "Because he would either kill me, or leave, or both."

"So you don't trust him? Don't trust in your friendship?"

Adam snorts. "I trust him to be Peter. Idealistic. Adorable. A hero, with all the blindness that those raised on the ideas of good and evil seem to have. I trust him to be there for me, so long as he thinks I'm like him. I trust him to protect me, so long as he thinks I'm worth protecting. I trust him to stand by me, to help me rebuild the world, so long as he doesn't know I broke it. I trust him not to betray me, because he is Peter, and he doesn't lie, he doesn't deceive...it's not in him."

"But you don't trust him with the truth?"

"I trust him to be Peter," Adam reiterates, looking down and trying to fight back the wave of despair at the scenario her words evoke in his head. "And so I have to keep my distance. I can't tell him how I feel. I have to lie."
changehistory: (You know I'm fucking adorable)
He hasn't officially even asked her to stay, to turn a weekend, a week, a month into something more indefinite. He certainly hasn't suggested that they make it permanent beyond even indefiniteness. So the fact that he's considering the question in the first place, without all of the rest of the foundation laid is likely an issue that should be addressed more than the daydream of what could be, maybe, if he doesn't blow it.

But after so long without any dreams, or dreams only of destruction and desolation, it's almost nice to consider something softer, something more pleasant, something that is a dream of life, not death.

For some reason, he pictures girls. He's never had girls, only boys. But when he thinks of Rachel, when he thinks of the future, he can almost see her. Her mother's bright smile. Blue eyes, like his, though if she had her mother's green ones, he obviously wouldn't care. Just, maybe, it would be nice to have something of his mother, his siblings, there in his child. A reminder. But Rachel's smile. Her nose, not his.

It's very Hallmark card in his head--a fact he won't admit to the therapist, even. A park, on a sunny day. A little girl with strawberry blonde pigtails--a mingling of both of them there in her hair. She flashes Rachel's smile with mischief in his eyes and...He likes to think of carousels and swings.

And ducks. They'd have a picnic by the water and toss the leftover bread to the ducks. And maybe she would chase the pigeons, or geese, or whatever other birds were flocked around, giggling and running as fast as her little legs could carry her, while the two of them watch her, stretched out on a blanket on the grass. Sometimes there's more than one, or he likes to think of how beautiful Rachel would look, pregnant, glowing. He can almost see it, almost hear the laughter, the softly murmured conversations, the tiny bundle and the first smile...

And then he shakes back to reality and thinks that maybe he should ask if she'd consider moving to San Francisco at all, first.

And wonders, ruefully, what those who know what he'd tried to do just months before would think if they were close enough to read his mind now.
changehistory: (Dream)
Patient's Name: Adam Monroe
Patient's Fandom: Heroes
Word Count: 585
Patient's Partner: None for this prompt, since we're discussing "ideal."


Paring it down to one quality isn't particularly easy, really. Perseverance? Understanding? Acceptance? Empathy? Something that encompasses all of those things and more, perhaps. The thing is...I have lived a very long time. I have been many things, done even more, and seen the world change from a place of superstition and fear and theocracy to one of science and reason and a new breed of cruelty to the planet and ourselves. I have fought in most of the major wars in the past 300 years, on various sides of various lines. I have seen what men are capable of doing to each other. I have felt the Earth gradually warm, watched the air cloud and the soil produce less and less as the gap between the poor and the rick reaches proportions it has never seen.

When someone pays an actor $20 million to star in a film while children starve to death, something is horribly, horribly wrong. How can that be just in any sense of the world? Actors, sports players, CEOs -- the Western "civilized" world is obsessed with garnering wealth while destroying the Earth, raping the land, and giving a pittance back. When someone says that relief efforts are horribly underfunded and then I see the way people live in the first world countries, it makes me furious. I understand wanting to secure one's own comfort, but after that--what do you do? When is enough enough? When do you cry stop to it all? And if we as a civilization do not do so--then...

I am the only one who's lived this long that I know of. The only one to watch this, to see how for all our "progress" the world is just deteriorating, the patterns becoming more and more destructive. And when I see all of that it makes me want to...lash out. Punish. Redeem. Save the world, do anything to stop the madness of it all. We have gotten so far off track that nothing but a complete overhaul of society is going to break the patterns and that will never happen without something of catastrophic proportions. 9/11? Did nothing to change the way the Western world lives but to strip rights away from people and start another war. It wasn't big enough to truly shock us back into a sense of proportion.

What I've tried to do, I know most people--most potential partners--would consider evil. What I see when I look at the world, most don't have the perspective to see, of if they do, they say, "but there has to be another way." What, then? What way? Does everyone think I haven't wracked my brain for centuries trying to find another way? Do you think I take delight in pain, solely for the sake of pain? Besides during sex, I mean.

For me, the most crucial quality a partner could have would be an ability to look beneath my surface actions and understand. See why I do what I do. Understand what drives it. See the problems of the world and respect what I've seen, what I've tried in the past. I don't expect, ever, really, to find someone who agrees with me. But for someone to look past the actions and see me underneath...that is the most important thing in the world to me.
changehistory: (Elle -- Villains)
How quickly we get to the heart of at least one issue. All right. Her father kept me prisoner for thirty years in a cell in a facility I created and ran until he and his friends turned on me. I met Elle when she was just a child, though I'm not sure how much of it she remembers. He brought her to live there when she was six years old. I didn't meet her for a couple of years more, when her father decided to start to test her powers.

Oh, look, there I was. The perfect subject, yes? Whatever she did to me, I could heal from, and she could learn varying degrees of control. That much power singes. That much just jolts. That much burns a man to a crisp. Fun times for all.

Of course, as she aged, and learned more control, she also figured out that up to a certain point--usually the actual burning skin point--I wasn't adverse to the shocks she set off. When she reached a certain age, she started using that to her advantage. I had, by that time, been locked away nearly twenty two years without benefit of pleasant company, and she was a very sweet sixteen.

One thing led to another, and here we are today, both of us free of her father and newlyweds. Not really a conventional start, I'll admit, but it worked for us.

Word Count: 239
Partner: [livejournal.com profile] not_myfirstday

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changehistory: (Default)
Adam Monroe

February 2014

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