[TM] 256 - What do you hope for?

[changehistory]

Bali is sounding better and better. Or Fiji. Or Bora Bora.

Somewhere warm, with rum and no responsibility or people who stab you in the back when you're just trying to help them.

Why the fuck I thought I wanted any of this is beyond me.

Considering leaving a note: "Keys to Company are in the upper left hand drawer if you want them, Angie. Taking the cats. Off to Bali. Fuck all of this. Love, Adam."

I don't really think that would go over well, but I'm not sure I care anymore.

[locked]

If someone could remind me of why I'm even trying when it's an exercise in futility, I would appreciate it, because fuck if I know. I never wanted to grow up to be the hero, anyway. I just wanted to...I don't even remember anymore. It all got twisted up and tangled around in far too many pairs of brown eyes that wanted me to be things that I never was, and blue ones that believed I was something and then when I tried to be...

Well, she walked away, too, didn't she?

So, what, I ask you, is the fucking point of hoping for anything?

Fuck all of it.

I was better off being the villain, but now I'm just tired.

What do I hope for? A beach. And a drink with an umbrella in it. And someone to rub completely unnecessary suntan oil on my skin and live without their fucking expectations and their fucking betrayals for just a few decades, for once.

I don't think it's too much to ask.

Comments

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it, Baileigh. People made choices, things were said. Every choice has a consequence.

No, I don't think so.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I'm...sorry?

You should.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

It isn't your fault. You didn't do anything, or threaten to, so.

I'm not really in a celebratory mood.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I know, but you're upset. I wish I could help.

All right.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

There are those who would say I brought it on myself.

Besides, after so long, what does one more matter?

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't.

If that's how you want to look at it.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

I thought people could be different, but they can't be, not really. I don't know why I keep expecting anything else. I, of all people, should know better.

I think it's the best way to look at it.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Expect to be disappointed. It's easier that way.

All right.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

I should have learned that lesson a long time ago. I thought I had. I just...sometimes you meet someone and you think, "this time it will be different..." But it isn't.

Thank you for the well-wishes, though. I really do appreciate them. I'm just not in a celebratory mood.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

It never is.

I'm sorry. Have a drink, at least?

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

No, it isn't.

Oh, trust me. I will be drinking.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Yet for some stupid fucking reason our brain doesn't seem to want to process that information.

Can't say I blame you.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Some hardwiring for hope that evolution hasn't beaten out of us?

It does seem to be my default position.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Ugh.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Ugh, indeed.