[TM] 256 - What do you hope for?

[changehistory]

Bali is sounding better and better. Or Fiji. Or Bora Bora.

Somewhere warm, with rum and no responsibility or people who stab you in the back when you're just trying to help them.

Why the fuck I thought I wanted any of this is beyond me.

Considering leaving a note: "Keys to Company are in the upper left hand drawer if you want them, Angie. Taking the cats. Off to Bali. Fuck all of this. Love, Adam."

I don't really think that would go over well, but I'm not sure I care anymore.

[locked]

If someone could remind me of why I'm even trying when it's an exercise in futility, I would appreciate it, because fuck if I know. I never wanted to grow up to be the hero, anyway. I just wanted to...I don't even remember anymore. It all got twisted up and tangled around in far too many pairs of brown eyes that wanted me to be things that I never was, and blue ones that believed I was something and then when I tried to be...

Well, she walked away, too, didn't she?

So, what, I ask you, is the fucking point of hoping for anything?

Fuck all of it.

I was better off being the villain, but now I'm just tired.

What do I hope for? A beach. And a drink with an umbrella in it. And someone to rub completely unnecessary suntan oil on my skin and live without their fucking expectations and their fucking betrayals for just a few decades, for once.

I don't think it's too much to ask.

Comments

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

So how was your day, Adam?

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Oh, about the same as my week.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

That good, huh?

Happy Birthday, by the way. Or happy birthday in about...six hours?

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Well, it's always fun to be told someone felt they had to show up at your party to protect someone you love from you.

Thank you.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

...Huh?

You're welcome. You gonna do anything special?

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it, Baileigh. People made choices, things were said. Every choice has a consequence.

No, I don't think so.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I'm...sorry?

You should.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

It isn't your fault. You didn't do anything, or threaten to, so.

I'm not really in a celebratory mood.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I know, but you're upset. I wish I could help.

All right.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

There are those who would say I brought it on myself.

Besides, after so long, what does one more matter?

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't.

If that's how you want to look at it.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

I thought people could be different, but they can't be, not really. I don't know why I keep expecting anything else. I, of all people, should know better.

I think it's the best way to look at it.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Expect to be disappointed. It's easier that way.

All right.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

I should have learned that lesson a long time ago. I thought I had. I just...sometimes you meet someone and you think, "this time it will be different..." But it isn't.

Thank you for the well-wishes, though. I really do appreciate them. I'm just not in a celebratory mood.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

It never is.

I'm sorry. Have a drink, at least?

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

No, it isn't.

Oh, trust me. I will be drinking.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Yet for some stupid fucking reason our brain doesn't seem to want to process that information.

Can't say I blame you.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Some hardwiring for hope that evolution hasn't beaten out of us?

It does seem to be my default position.

[deep-red-bells.livejournal.com]

Ugh.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Ugh, indeed.

[Adam]

[not_myfirstday]

I'm sorry.

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

It's a nice sentiment, "sorry." It doesn't change anything.

[Adam]

[not_myfirstday]

I didn't expect it to Adam, but it doesn't make it any less true.

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Fine, you're sorry. Does that mean you'll betray him, too, and at least give me a heads up before he comes for me?

[Adam]

[not_myfirstday]

Comes for you? Adam... as far as I know he's not going to come after you.

And if he was going to, do you think I would be here? I came here to stop him, to try to explain. To calm him down.

I might not have returned, but that doesn't change what I feel.

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

I believe there was a threat to the effect of seeing how I would fare in an active volcano, considering I wouldn't be able to get out to be able to regenerate.

And I haven't heard any recanting on that or any subsequent threats to "stop" me or see to it that I can't hurt anyone ever again.

And what is that, Elle?

[Adam]

[not_myfirstday]

That, that wasn't recently was it? I'm not his keeper, and I've asked Peter to talk to him, but neither of them seem to want to do that. I you did your part to try and make peace with him, and he's stubborn and confused and angry.

I know you're angry at me as well, and I'm sorry that I've upset you, I really am. You've been there for me countless times, and I thought I was helping. I thought that I could get through to him, to make him see that it's not a lost cause, that it's not worth it to hold all that resentment.

I can't force him to talk to you Adam, but if he was going to do something and I knew about it, I would try to stop him. I mean I would tell you as well, but I would hope that it wouldn't come to that.

You are still important to me. I still love you and Peter, and I'm still here if either of you need anything. I know you think I chose a side, Peter told me that as well, but I don't understand why there has to be a side for me to be on anymore. I thought I was doing this for me, but everything else has been my fault so I guess I should've known that this would end up on my hands as well.

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

There are sides, Elle, when you leave without a word, leave without even telling us anything is wrong, without giving me a chance to help, to go live with someone who hates me, wants to stop everything I've done, when I did it all for you. I had no plans for the Company, no designs for any of it--had walked away from it, until you came to me, and I came back for you, and you just walk away to him. That's choosing a side.

You think I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be here, but I do. Do you think I want to be here, truly? But you had other places you could have gone, places you could be than with him. Marissa would have offered you a home, and she has no real connection here. She's in school in the City, has her own home, her own life, knows all about being her own person, and hasn't got some vendetta against me.

So, yes. I think you chose a side. I think you tossed aside everything I've done for you and chose him, when he's done nothing to earn that. And no, your words about loving me, loving Peter are fairly meaningless, because the way you've acted isn't the way someone acts who loves someone.

[Adam]

[not_myfirstday]

I keep trying to think of what to say, or how to fix it and I don't think I can anymore. I know it's my fault, that everything happened because of what I did, what I asked of you. I probably shouldn't have even commented, but I didn't know what else to do.

I hate this, and I know it's too late to say anything that would even matter anymore. Maybe I just hoped that since it had been a while, that maybe it wouldn't seem so bad. I can tell I was wrong there too.

My instinct in all of this is to ask you what I can do to fix it, but I'm not even sure I can do anything to help anymore.

I am sorry though, for as little as it means to you from me I do still want you to know that I am sorry.

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

This isn't something time can fix. The longer you stay with him, the deeper the divide. And one day you look and realize that you can't ever cross back.

"I'm sorry" is just a phrase. Without action, it is meaningless.

[mortgaged-soul.livejournal.com]

I will say this as simply as I might:

If you leave me now, I will hunt you down and find inventive and amusing ways to kill you until my days are over.

Understood?

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

This really has nothing to do with you, Angela...I don't want the Company. You do. I'm offering it. Call it a birthday special. One night only.....


[ooc: *g* This is the 'verse where he's running it after Elle killed Bob and is miserable as can be at the moment.]