changehistory | [JMM] 25.10.5. Goo Goo Dolls

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

There wasn't much he'd packed in the back of the rental car, just one suitcase with some warm clothes and his shaving kit. He left the laptop and cell phone sitting on the table in the nook in the kitchen. He'd picked the vehicle up before the wedding, parking it behind the townhouse, ready to go. Slipping away and getting home while the festivities were still going on wasn't that difficult. There were plenty of people there, after all. He'd danced with the bride, danced with Baileigh, danced with Peter, danced with Angela, then kissed Claire goodbye and told her to have a happy honeymoon "just in case" he missed her later. He even congratulated Hiro with a smile and a bow.

Then he left.

The only stop he made on the way out of town was by Nathan's to slide an envelope through his mail slot. In it was a power of attorney to take care of real estate decisions, the account number and password where he'd put the money for the property, as well as Adam's list of his top two properties for the Company and a request that Nathan go ahead and make a bid, if possible. He didn't say where he was going, or why, or when he'd be back, just that he might be gone a while and needed Nathan to take care of this for him so they didn't lose out, and he'd be back. He tried to think of something else to say, to offer an explanation, but he couldn't even put it into words for himself, and the words he did have weren't ones he could say to his son.

Saying them to Peter had been hard enough and left him feeling more raw and vulnerable than he could rightly stand. Words had power, and speaking them aloud had crystalized thoughts that had been ephemeral before, caught in the darker recesses of his mind, but not pulled forward into his consciousness. When he thought about it again, it was like he couldn't breathe, like he was back in that coffin he still had nightmares about, and something inside of him was screaming, but no one could hear.

It was all such a delicate balance, and it could all fall apart in an instant. Peter's words echoed in his head, and his offer hung there. The man Adam had been a year ago would have taken it, wound his fingers through Peter's hair and said, yes, give him up, choose me. He'd have demanded it the second he saw a sign Peter would have folded. But he didn't want it on demands, and he didn't want it ever to be spun that he made Peter give up something he wanted, loved, needed...anything. He couldn't take the risk of being accused of taking away something from Nathan more than he had--that he'd ordered his son hurt.

He couldn't, any more than he could have said anything to Claire about Hiro, or talked about the conflicted rise of emotion he chose to turn away from when he saw Angela, for Peter's sake. It all tangled and twisted up in him, his past colliding into his present, and acting on what he wanted would push into and potentially destroy the future he wanted to build. One wrong move, one misstep, could cost him Nathan's regard, nevermind the situation with Peter--he'd seen how easily Nathan turned from Angela and she raised him. He, Adam, was so much less to his son, and he knew it. Giving in to his hurt over the past, wounds centuries deep and more recent traumas, would do nothing but hurt the granddaughter he'd so carefully cultivated. Admitting his regret over what Arthur stole from him and Angela would only make things even more awkward with Peter than his tantrum had.

However, even leaving it up to Peter left a knot in his stomach. It could all go so wrong, and that was just the romance. Restarting the Company, moving forward with some new plan, having to find a way to balance goals and try and talk Peter around to understanding that collateral damage was necessary for real change, making sure Hiro didn't turn Claire away from all the work he'd done starting to groom her, keeping Nathan involved, but not making him think they were doing anything too wrong...

He'd worked so hard the past two years. He had everything he'd wanted within his grasp, and more now than he'd ever thought possible. Except, he'd been here before. He'd had people he trusted, had people he considered family, had people he loved, and look where it had gotten him. The past kept coming back and staring him in the face, and Angela and Hiro's presence so close didn't help him shake it off, constant memories of where it all started and where it all went so wrong always there.

His lungs were burning, and he realized he wasn't breathing. He hadn't been breathing for weeks, not really. He needed air and room to think without all of it pressing in on him. Maybe he should have told someone where he was going, or at least that he was, but he didn't know. He maneuvered out of the City, and kept going until he hit I-80. Then, still with no particular destination in mind, driving on instinct and nothing else, he headed west.