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changehistory[ooc note: Locked/filtered to those who know he did it on purpose, not just suspect. Like, he's confessed to your muse or something. Otherwise, you're not on the filter and mun knowledge only. This is not his grand mea culpa. He might even be lying, who knows? He does that. :-)]
Dropping the vial.
What? Did you think it would be something else? Did you think that I came to that decision easily, either back then or now? Do you think I hold life so lightly that I didn't think about the cost, didn't fully realize what I was doing? Do you think I'm that mad, that blind with power, that overly ambitious, that desperate to be adored that I'd pay any price?
I know some of you do, but if you think so, you'd be wrong.
It was not a decision I made lightly or frivolously. It made me sick to think of it, even, to know the destruction it could wreak across the globe. I could make some choices, yes, save those I loved, save those I could get to in time, but I knew far too well that it would be a catastrophe the likes of which the Earth had never seen. Worse than the Black Plague, and I know that well--I lived through the Great Plague of London which killed over a fifth of London's population. So, you see, I knew what I was doing, what my choice, my decision would mean, and I grieved for it.
But I did it anyway.
Were there selfish reasons involved? Of course. Did I want to be the hero, the savior of the world? Yes. Was I angry, did I kill some for vengeance and spite? I did. Kaito, Victoria, Bob if Maury had succeeded--there was no greater good there, I'll admit. That was fury and revenge, and, no, I do not regret it.
But the virus? In spite of the inclusion of selfish reasons--and really, there is an argument to be made that no good deeds are done without some selfish intent, if only to make us feel better about ourselves--my intentions with attempting to release it were pure, were for the greater good of the world. Not the individual, no. There would be great suffering, but from it would come a great cleansing, as well.
I have seen so much, watched the world change, even as people did not. I have watched our natural resources be depleted to the point of non-existence in merely a century. I watched us kill off other species, driving them into extinction with no thought for what we might be doing to our future. I have watched, and fought in, to my shame, war after war after war as they tore the world apart and killed the brightest of generation after generation. I saw the way the world was heading for imminent disaster, a nuclear winter that will surely come, because someday, somewhere, someone is going to push one of those damn buttons, and the world will be decimated. Not only will people die, but the resources the survivors need will be gone as well. Nuclear winter, radiation poisoning, contamination of our water, our food...I had hope, after WWII, that perhaps things would change, that the world would band together to stop it, but it only escalated.
We kill each other without thought. For our God. For our country. For the color of our skin. For our ideals. For our borders. For oil. For control. For power. We do it with flags and grand statements, perhaps, but we do it nonetheless. We have learned nothing from history.
I didn't develop the virus. I didn't engage in the research and development of biological weapons. But others have, others did, others contemplate releasing them every single day, for the sole purpose of destroying the enemy.
I wanted to save us. Us as a species, humanity as a whole. The cost would be astronomical, but if a generation was sacrificed to allow the next to live, to breathe, to survive and thrive again...I counted it worth the cost. I've seen where we went wrong, before, and I believed I could guide the survivors to a better way, a better world, where we could live as one species, instead of divided by race and country and religion. We could change the world, and in doing so, we could change the fate of our species, the destiny we were given. We were meant to be the world's caretakers, not its destroyers. We were meant to live in harmony with each other, and the other inhabitants of the planet.
It's idealistic and foolish to think we can get there on our own, without something to shake us, to break us out of our blind slumber. People have tried activism. There are TV specials and infomercials and everyone goes, "Oh, look how sad," and maybe they send a dollar or two, but precious few every do anything to make the world better, and when they do...their efforts are countermanded, because for every one of them, there are two or three others who do not give a damn.
I wanted to save us. But at what cost? I weighed it, I agonized over it the first time, and then I spent thirty years wondering if there was another way, if I had been wrong and they were right. I doubted. I spent countless nights lying awake anguishing over it, trying to find some other plan, some other way to change things, to save the world before it was too late.
I couldn't. I still don't...I appreciate the enthusiasm and determination of this generation, but I have seen it before. They are where their parents were thirty years ago. And it will beat them down, mold them into something else, shattered ideals raking at them as they see that all they do...doesn't change anything on the global scale.
So, yes. I made a decision. I made a decision that horrifies everyone who thinks on it, makes them look at me as if I am some sort of deranged monster without any feeling, any humanity. I made that decision.
But never think I didn't appreciate the cost, or that it was easy.
Dropping the vial.
What? Did you think it would be something else? Did you think that I came to that decision easily, either back then or now? Do you think I hold life so lightly that I didn't think about the cost, didn't fully realize what I was doing? Do you think I'm that mad, that blind with power, that overly ambitious, that desperate to be adored that I'd pay any price?
I know some of you do, but if you think so, you'd be wrong.
It was not a decision I made lightly or frivolously. It made me sick to think of it, even, to know the destruction it could wreak across the globe. I could make some choices, yes, save those I loved, save those I could get to in time, but I knew far too well that it would be a catastrophe the likes of which the Earth had never seen. Worse than the Black Plague, and I know that well--I lived through the Great Plague of London which killed over a fifth of London's population. So, you see, I knew what I was doing, what my choice, my decision would mean, and I grieved for it.
But I did it anyway.
Were there selfish reasons involved? Of course. Did I want to be the hero, the savior of the world? Yes. Was I angry, did I kill some for vengeance and spite? I did. Kaito, Victoria, Bob if Maury had succeeded--there was no greater good there, I'll admit. That was fury and revenge, and, no, I do not regret it.
But the virus? In spite of the inclusion of selfish reasons--and really, there is an argument to be made that no good deeds are done without some selfish intent, if only to make us feel better about ourselves--my intentions with attempting to release it were pure, were for the greater good of the world. Not the individual, no. There would be great suffering, but from it would come a great cleansing, as well.
I have seen so much, watched the world change, even as people did not. I have watched our natural resources be depleted to the point of non-existence in merely a century. I watched us kill off other species, driving them into extinction with no thought for what we might be doing to our future. I have watched, and fought in, to my shame, war after war after war as they tore the world apart and killed the brightest of generation after generation. I saw the way the world was heading for imminent disaster, a nuclear winter that will surely come, because someday, somewhere, someone is going to push one of those damn buttons, and the world will be decimated. Not only will people die, but the resources the survivors need will be gone as well. Nuclear winter, radiation poisoning, contamination of our water, our food...I had hope, after WWII, that perhaps things would change, that the world would band together to stop it, but it only escalated.
We kill each other without thought. For our God. For our country. For the color of our skin. For our ideals. For our borders. For oil. For control. For power. We do it with flags and grand statements, perhaps, but we do it nonetheless. We have learned nothing from history.
I didn't develop the virus. I didn't engage in the research and development of biological weapons. But others have, others did, others contemplate releasing them every single day, for the sole purpose of destroying the enemy.
I wanted to save us. Us as a species, humanity as a whole. The cost would be astronomical, but if a generation was sacrificed to allow the next to live, to breathe, to survive and thrive again...I counted it worth the cost. I've seen where we went wrong, before, and I believed I could guide the survivors to a better way, a better world, where we could live as one species, instead of divided by race and country and religion. We could change the world, and in doing so, we could change the fate of our species, the destiny we were given. We were meant to be the world's caretakers, not its destroyers. We were meant to live in harmony with each other, and the other inhabitants of the planet.
It's idealistic and foolish to think we can get there on our own, without something to shake us, to break us out of our blind slumber. People have tried activism. There are TV specials and infomercials and everyone goes, "Oh, look how sad," and maybe they send a dollar or two, but precious few every do anything to make the world better, and when they do...their efforts are countermanded, because for every one of them, there are two or three others who do not give a damn.
I wanted to save us. But at what cost? I weighed it, I agonized over it the first time, and then I spent thirty years wondering if there was another way, if I had been wrong and they were right. I doubted. I spent countless nights lying awake anguishing over it, trying to find some other plan, some other way to change things, to save the world before it was too late.
I couldn't. I still don't...I appreciate the enthusiasm and determination of this generation, but I have seen it before. They are where their parents were thirty years ago. And it will beat them down, mold them into something else, shattered ideals raking at them as they see that all they do...doesn't change anything on the global scale.
So, yes. I made a decision. I made a decision that horrifies everyone who thinks on it, makes them look at me as if I am some sort of deranged monster without any feeling, any humanity. I made that decision.
But never think I didn't appreciate the cost, or that it was easy.
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