[TM] 256 - What do you hope for?

[changehistory]

Bali is sounding better and better. Or Fiji. Or Bora Bora.

Somewhere warm, with rum and no responsibility or people who stab you in the back when you're just trying to help them.

Why the fuck I thought I wanted any of this is beyond me.

Considering leaving a note: "Keys to Company are in the upper left hand drawer if you want them, Angie. Taking the cats. Off to Bali. Fuck all of this. Love, Adam."

I don't really think that would go over well, but I'm not sure I care anymore.

[locked]

If someone could remind me of why I'm even trying when it's an exercise in futility, I would appreciate it, because fuck if I know. I never wanted to grow up to be the hero, anyway. I just wanted to...I don't even remember anymore. It all got twisted up and tangled around in far too many pairs of brown eyes that wanted me to be things that I never was, and blue ones that believed I was something and then when I tried to be...

Well, she walked away, too, didn't she?

So, what, I ask you, is the fucking point of hoping for anything?

Fuck all of it.

I was better off being the villain, but now I'm just tired.

What do I hope for? A beach. And a drink with an umbrella in it. And someone to rub completely unnecessary suntan oil on my skin and live without their fucking expectations and their fucking betrayals for just a few decades, for once.

I don't think it's too much to ask.

Comments

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

There are sides, Elle, when you leave without a word, leave without even telling us anything is wrong, without giving me a chance to help, to go live with someone who hates me, wants to stop everything I've done, when I did it all for you. I had no plans for the Company, no designs for any of it--had walked away from it, until you came to me, and I came back for you, and you just walk away to him. That's choosing a side.

You think I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be here, but I do. Do you think I want to be here, truly? But you had other places you could have gone, places you could be than with him. Marissa would have offered you a home, and she has no real connection here. She's in school in the City, has her own home, her own life, knows all about being her own person, and hasn't got some vendetta against me.

So, yes. I think you chose a side. I think you tossed aside everything I've done for you and chose him, when he's done nothing to earn that. And no, your words about loving me, loving Peter are fairly meaningless, because the way you've acted isn't the way someone acts who loves someone.

[Adam]

[not_myfirstday]

I keep trying to think of what to say, or how to fix it and I don't think I can anymore. I know it's my fault, that everything happened because of what I did, what I asked of you. I probably shouldn't have even commented, but I didn't know what else to do.

I hate this, and I know it's too late to say anything that would even matter anymore. Maybe I just hoped that since it had been a while, that maybe it wouldn't seem so bad. I can tell I was wrong there too.

My instinct in all of this is to ask you what I can do to fix it, but I'm not even sure I can do anything to help anymore.

I am sorry though, for as little as it means to you from me I do still want you to know that I am sorry.

[Elle]

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

This isn't something time can fix. The longer you stay with him, the deeper the divide. And one day you look and realize that you can't ever cross back.

"I'm sorry" is just a phrase. Without action, it is meaningless.