[MGW] 83. Today

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It was all he could concentrate on, truly. Just today, just this breath, just this moment.

If he thought about the past, he could feel the coffin still, close around him. Reaching back he found the cold air on a rooftop, the shock in brown eyes, the fall, the crash, the smell and feel of blood and pain. Further, there were thirty years, the taste of betrayal as father followed in his son's footsteps. There was a reverse legacy there that shadowed his centuries, stretching out its arm to touch everything he tried to do.

If he thought of the future, he felt a tremor of fear run over him. There was too much history, too much darkness, too much they had to overcome. Betrayal, death, darkness, loss. They couldn't go back to those times when they just were together in the sun, in an unspoiled world, with Hiro's hero worship, and his struggling to be the man the boy saw when he looked at him. They could simulate it, perhaps, but they couldn't really go back. He wasn't Kensei anymore, and the things he'd done had changed the boy he knew when he was, in just a short time. He'd driven Hiro to do things that he could feel shattering that sweet, enthusiastic soul. If he looked too far in the future, followed the lines of the changes that could happen...it was the same shadow with no sense of how to change it.

So he concentrated on today. On now. On the rise and fall of Hiro's chest as he slept fitfully next to him. On getting through the day without lashing out, hurting him again. On staying, not walking out the door and away from the tangled mess they were together. On not taking the final step, for either of them.

It was all he could do, and if he let himself think about tomorrow at all, he only allowed it to be a prayer that it would go as well as today.

Comments

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Adam blushes at that, glancing down to look at his skin, to look at the glow of it and wonder, before shaking his head a bit.

"If anyone has seen it, they've never said it aloud."

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

"I can't imagine why not. It is a lovely sight." He leans his chin on Adam's shoulder. "Totemo utsukushi."

Very beautiful.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam smiles and shakes his head again. "Thank you, but perhaps you're a bit biased."

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

"And the rest of your lovers have been so objective?" Adam feels a smile caress his shoulderblades. "They didn't deserve you, if they can't see beauty."

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam shrugs just a bit, lips curving some. "Perhaps they just were less fanciful."

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

"Mmm," Hiro sort of agrees. His lips ghost over the silver skin. Adam's in a strange mood tonight and he's not sure how to handle it.

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Adam finally turns from the window in his arms, looking down at Hiro with an odd expression on his face. "It's late..."

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

"Are you tired? I have no desire to sleep right now." He knows Adam stays up a great deal. It must be frustrating to have to deal with people who have to sleep so often.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"No," he says quietly. "Or at least not sleepy. Tired is likely a relative term."

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

"Do you want a massage? I can do that." He really doesn't want to go back to sleep. He doesn't want to dream that dream again.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam's smile flashes for just a moment, a touch dark and sad, then gone. "If you'd like, I won't say 'no', but..." His mood was still dancing around the darker edges, restless, unsure of just what he was doing anymore.

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

Hiro stands and takes Adam's hand, leading him to the bed. He motions for Adam to lie down as he goes into the bathroom for some lotion.

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He moves slowly, stretching out across the bed and letting his eyes fall closed. The darkness is, at least, under control, but he can feel it there, that brush of madness that's lingered for too many years, that he keeps so contained except sometimes on sleepless nights.

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

Hiro comes out of the bathroom with the lotion. He squirts some on this hand and rubs them to warm it before he kneels over Adam's thighs. His hands begin slowly, long strokes over Adam's back muscles before he begins to work on Adam's shoulders, fingers gently taking apart his muscles.

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Adam sighs, trying to let the tension ease, even as part of him fights, perversely. It can't be so easy, so welcoming. He can't just sink into something after all they've been through. His brain keeps flying, going hard, even as his body betrays him, relaxing under the touches.

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

Adam hears a soft chuckle above him, but Hiro just keeps working on the muscles, trying to get him to relax completely. The friction makes his hands warm and more slick as they move to his shoulder blades, soothing tension. Hiro likes to touch, likes to connect, especially after the nightmare he's had. He know part of it comes from his fears of being left alone; he can't imagine how Adam's put up with it all these centuries.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam arches into the touch a bit of a moan, body shivering a little, then melts slowly back into the mattress. He still doesn't want to give in, to let go of the anger, the parts of himself that he keeps locked up because he has to. It hurts too much to do otherwise.

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

Hiro's hands move more towards his spine, fingers not digging in quite as much until he gets to the lumbar area, where his thumbs begin to work on the muscles and more delicately over the spinal cord. There isn't quite as much tension here as in his shoulders, but that doesn't stop him from working it thoroughly. He steals a glance up at Adam's face, seeing some conflict there, but he won't push. Adam will tell him if he wants to. Pushing him only leads to arguements and hurt feelings.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

There are things he just can't let go and share, things he simply cannot say. Some are things he knows wouldn't be received well, others are just...things no one is allowed to see, things even he doesn't examine too closely.

He keeps his eyes closed, letting Hiro's hands work to ease the surface tension out, at least, to drive back today's darker thoughts, to let him pretend everything is all right.

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

Hiro moves down to his glutes, kneading the big muscles thoroughly before he goes first down one leg, paying a lot of attention to his thigh, calf and foot then up the other with the same thoroughness. When he is finished, he pulls the cover over Adam to keep the muscles warm. He moves up until he's sitting with his back against the headboard.

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

Adam gives him a bit of a smile, not opening his eyes, just letting the warmth sit inside of him for a bit. "Thank you, carp."

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

Hiro is wearing a small mysterious smile. "You're quite welcome." He stretches a bit, not tired, but reviving his muscles. "Do you dream when you sleep?"

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"Of course," Adam said, rolling a bit to peer at him. "Doesn't everyone?"

[powered-otaku.livejournal.com]

"I wasn't sure if you would need to. Since your brain repairs itself, it might not need the release of dreaming." He looks at Adam. "What is the worst dream you've ever had?"

[changehistory.livejournal.com]

"Physically, no. But even I can't just process everything mentally without it," he said with a slight shrug. "It's the only reason I really sleep anymore." He watched Hiro for a moment, then shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it."