[MGW] 83. Today
Mar. 28th, 2008 10:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
It was all he could concentrate on, truly. Just today, just this breath, just this moment.
If he thought about the past, he could feel the coffin still, close around him. Reaching back he found the cold air on a rooftop, the shock in brown eyes, the fall, the crash, the smell and feel of blood and pain. Further, there were thirty years, the taste of betrayal as father followed in his son's footsteps. There was a reverse legacy there that shadowed his centuries, stretching out its arm to touch everything he tried to do.
If he thought of the future, he felt a tremor of fear run over him. There was too much history, too much darkness, too much they had to overcome. Betrayal, death, darkness, loss. They couldn't go back to those times when they just were together in the sun, in an unspoiled world, with Hiro's hero worship, and his struggling to be the man the boy saw when he looked at him. They could simulate it, perhaps, but they couldn't really go back. He wasn't Kensei anymore, and the things he'd done had changed the boy he knew when he was, in just a short time. He'd driven Hiro to do things that he could feel shattering that sweet, enthusiastic soul. If he looked too far in the future, followed the lines of the changes that could happen...it was the same shadow with no sense of how to change it.
So he concentrated on today. On now. On the rise and fall of Hiro's chest as he slept fitfully next to him. On getting through the day without lashing out, hurting him again. On staying, not walking out the door and away from the tangled mess they were together. On not taking the final step, for either of them.
It was all he could do, and if he let himself think about tomorrow at all, he only allowed it to be a prayer that it would go as well as today.
If he thought about the past, he could feel the coffin still, close around him. Reaching back he found the cold air on a rooftop, the shock in brown eyes, the fall, the crash, the smell and feel of blood and pain. Further, there were thirty years, the taste of betrayal as father followed in his son's footsteps. There was a reverse legacy there that shadowed his centuries, stretching out its arm to touch everything he tried to do.
If he thought of the future, he felt a tremor of fear run over him. There was too much history, too much darkness, too much they had to overcome. Betrayal, death, darkness, loss. They couldn't go back to those times when they just were together in the sun, in an unspoiled world, with Hiro's hero worship, and his struggling to be the man the boy saw when he looked at him. They could simulate it, perhaps, but they couldn't really go back. He wasn't Kensei anymore, and the things he'd done had changed the boy he knew when he was, in just a short time. He'd driven Hiro to do things that he could feel shattering that sweet, enthusiastic soul. If he looked too far in the future, followed the lines of the changes that could happen...it was the same shadow with no sense of how to change it.
So he concentrated on today. On now. On the rise and fall of Hiro's chest as he slept fitfully next to him. On getting through the day without lashing out, hurting him again. On staying, not walking out the door and away from the tangled mess they were together. On not taking the final step, for either of them.
It was all he could do, and if he let himself think about tomorrow at all, he only allowed it to be a prayer that it would go as well as today.
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Date: 2008-05-09 06:09 pm (UTC)He tenses against Hiro's arms, old wounds and newer ones mingling in a variety of ways. "Perhaps some things were never truly meant to be. It was a long time ago."
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Date: 2008-05-10 02:14 am (UTC)He feels Adam tense. "Yes, it was. And I will not bring it up again. Except to offer one last apology for my weakness."
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Date: 2008-05-12 09:22 pm (UTC)There is rarely a way back.
He nods slightly at the apology, unable to say anything to it that won't come out harsher than he intends.
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Date: 2008-05-13 12:43 am (UTC)Hiro accepts the nod, knowing certain things still hurt. "Moonlight becomes you." It makes his pale skin silver.
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Date: 2008-05-14 03:54 am (UTC)He pulls back to the present enough to give Hiro a faint smile. "Does it?"
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Date: 2008-05-14 04:05 am (UTC)Hiro smiles. "Your skin is so pale. The moonlight makes you look...ethereal."
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Date: 2008-05-15 11:24 pm (UTC)He shakes it off, giving him a warmer smile, forcing it to his eyes. "Ethereal? I assure you, I am very much flesh and blood."
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Date: 2008-05-16 01:16 am (UTC)"That is quite true, but the moon is making your skin an almost silver color. You look like someone from some elvish place."
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Date: 2008-05-19 07:01 pm (UTC)His eyebrows go up at that, a bit more of a smile playing around his lips. "I don't think anyone's ever said that of me, though it's a very pretty notion."
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Date: 2008-05-19 08:20 pm (UTC)"No one has ever seen that? Your skin remains as it has for all your life and no one has noticed how the moon makes it glow?"
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Date: 2008-05-20 10:49 pm (UTC)"If anyone has seen it, they've never said it aloud."
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Date: 2008-05-21 12:04 am (UTC)Very beautiful.
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